When you’re juggling work, family, and the cleaning, it’s easy to get into competitive bickering about who does the most around the home.
Chore wars break out when it feels unfair. No one wants to be stuck with the cleaning while the other parent gets credit for all the fun stuff. (Kids don’t care that you spent 3 hours on laundry).
Here are my top 10 tips to end the chore wars and restore peace to your space.
#1: Does “fair” mean “equal?”
Every family is different, and sharing cleaning chores fairly might not mean splitting them straight down the middle. Think about work patterns, commute time, and caring responsibilities outside the home, for example. Then decide what will work for your family.
#2: Be honest
It’s easy to make chores into a negative competition, where you’re both exaggerating how long the vacuuming, bathroom-cleaning or laundry took you. Instead, agree that you’re both working hard to get the chores done so you can enjoy your home and your family time, together.
#3: Don’t forget the mental load
Family chores aren’t just about cleaning. In most families there’s an endless list of invisible chores which come with their own mental load. Who books the dentist appointments, plans the World Book Day costumes, sorts the packed lunches, remembers the birthdays, deals with the car insurance…?
Try keeping a list of all tasks and decisions over a week, so you’ve both got a true picture of what the other is carrying in their head. These are chores too, and need to be accounted for.
#4: Share responsibility, not just tasks
Sometimes it’s the decision-making and the management that feels heavy, not the task itself. I love cooking, but deciding what to eat when I’m tired and hungry? Not so much.
So sharing the laundry isn’t just sticking a load in the machine. It’s sorting it, washing it on the right cycle, hanging it out to dry – and making sure the PE kit is clean on the right day.
#5: Treat it like a project
Bring your team manager A-game and tackle the cleaning like a project.
- Identify the tasks (what needs doing?)
- Break down the resource requirements (how long will it take? How often?)
- Assign each task a target date
- Agree who is responsible.
Use a chalk board or you could even fire up your favourite project management tool.
#6: End chore wars with an app
Need a solution to the chore wars? There’s an app for that, (of course). Take a look at Flatastic, or Tody (and there are loads more).
Choose the app which suits you. Set your cleaning routine, assign the tasks, and make it fun with gamification features. An app depersonalises the conversation, making it less likely that the chore wars will break out. The app does the “reminding”, and everyone can see when the job’s done.
#7: Play to your strengths
If your partner secretly enjoys ironing while watching a movie, embrace it. Let them do all the ironing, and you get to pick a task you quite enjoy too. For the tasks you both dislike, take it in turns so it feels fair.
#8: Agree to chore-free time
It can sometimes feel as though the cleaning’s never finished. But if you can’t relax in your free time because you feel guilty about your chores, it’s the perfect conditions for growing resentment.
So, agree time when each of you, or both, can relax and enjoy the fun stuff, even if the chores aren’t finished. No eye rolling, no tutting, no heavy hints.
#9: Pick your moment for negotiations
If something isn’t working, try not to raise it when everyone’s frazzled. It’s a recipe for a row. Pick a time when you’re both relaxed, so you can talk it over calmly. Try to avoid it becoming a list of short-comings, and focus on finding a solution that works for you both.
#10: Review when life changes
New baby, new school, new job, new dog? If you’ve got big changes happening into the family, it’s time to review how the chores get done. Perhaps one partner needs to carry more of the load for a while. Or maybe the kids can help out, and learn about taking responsibility along the way.
Bonus Tip: Call in the professionals
If the chores are causing friction in your family, maybe it’s time to call in the professionals. No more arguments about whose turn it is to clean the bathroom. You can relax and enjoy your free time together in a clean, calm space, and finally declare an end to the chore wars.
